I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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