In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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