my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
