So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
