I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
