That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
The dick lei will go down in squad history
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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