I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Shame - the story of my life.
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