the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
