You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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