She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
