I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
