I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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