You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I supernannyed him into submission
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
