he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
