There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
