dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
