Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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