i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
