Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
