I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
