if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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