when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize