im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
