I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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