Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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