we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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