You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
