I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
