my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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