I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
