first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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