apparently the secret to your success is patron
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
