at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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