I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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