Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize