She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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