I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
