I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
