Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
