don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
