the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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