hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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