he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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