I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize