New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
