I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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