Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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