He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
