WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Randomize
