She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
