i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
