a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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