ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
