It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
please don't ironically join a cult
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