ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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