I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
