I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
