So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
