WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
false alarm. still invincible.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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