I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Randomize
