our cab driver is having phone sex.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
