I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Randomize
