I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
