so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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