hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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